Katie Makkai - Pretty

dreaming of you, a letter at a time

Dear You,

Millions of terrible things happen around the world everyday. Sometimes headlines make me wish I could extinguish every tomorrow in store. But I can't and more importantly, that would be running away from problems.

So don't feel stupid if you have faith in people. I cannot prevent the heartbreak that you will experience when your trust is broken, when you are let down, when you are left behind. This will happen often to you with many people, and it might also happen often with one person. But don't feel stupid about putting your faith in people.

Of course, protect your heart. From abuse, exploitation, and sometimes your own low self-esteem. But don't put it in a cage. Don't shield yourself from love. Don't shield yourself from disappointment. They are both wonderful teachers. One day, after the hurt has passed, you might even be able to smile about the sunny days.

You might struggle with this conflict - whether maturity means to stop seeing the world through a kaleidoscope. But please know that the nice thing about maturity is that you can decide what it means. For me, it currently means being able to do my laundry on time. (I'm awful at it.) People around me, younger than me, are doing their laundry effortlessly. I cannot explain to you how easy it is to begin feeling, "Everybody around me has their laundry shit sorted so well. I'm such a fool. I'll never be able to do my laundry as well as they can." I might be biased, but this line of thought only pulls you down, down, down. I cannot explain my faith to you, but it will be alright. Trust me.

Never worry about where you will end up. There is no end, as long as you are alive. There is no race - it looks very much like it, I know. You might go to school, then college, then you might decide something for yourself. And it might seem that everybody around you is huffing and puffing, their breathing choppy, their eyes big and worried. I know I musn't assume things, but I'm quite sure that even when you come into the world, talk of this great race will not have ceased.

As life has taught me, this race is a very sticky illusion. It is one of the many things that many people take very seriously. The choice is yours, of course (but I cannot help declaring that the race seems straight out of the pages of Alice in Wonderland. What was that? Italicisation. All names of texts must be slanted like that when you type them out. That's a whole other discussion. Oh, I do wish I could talk with you sometimes.)

Just like it's a mistake to believe that simply because everybody is running, so should you, it's a mistake to believe that the people in the race are bad people. That's the tough thing about maturity. Disagree with people, it's exciting and often healthy. But try, if you can, to not quickly dismiss something you don't agree with.

The other thing I wanted to talk with you about is my imperfection. I am responsible for you, but I might slip up sometimes. I might do things, say things that will hurt you very deeply. I might make mistakes. You aren't here but I already worry about that sometimes. That I might make mistakes with you. We'll both be learning about each other, you and me. I will have to earn your respect just as you will have to earn mine.

I don't know anything about how to do it right. I will simply trust my reasoning and instinct, and the reasoning and instincts of the people I love. People believe that mothers are supposed to be right, always. Actually, it's another one of those make-believe things that people take very seriously. Tell me when you feel I'm doing something wrong. Don't be afraid. Do it in a way that is comfortable for you, but always know that no matter what, no matter what, my heart burns with love for you. 

I am not trying to excuse myself from the wrongs I will do to you. But you need to know that there is no such thing as an experienced parent, simply because every child is different. We'll both make mistakes. Hopefully, we'll always be able to talk about it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for you each day. I don't know where you are, but I see your face in every child that I tell a story to. I hope I don't dream of you too much, I don't want to burden you with unconscious expectations when you come true.

Okay enough. I can't wait to raid the fridge at night and have Parle G biscuits dipped in Bournvita with you and her. Come soon.

Love,

मम्मा