This was originally an extensive conversation with me in the bathroom. For me, most of them either end up as amusing footnotes in Oral Bathroom Literature or in my journal. This is one of the rare times I felt like sharing it.
Menstruating for me has always been in an intense but interesting time. I feel happy, very alive and constantly in tune with what I'm physically feeling. Many times, I take my body for granted mostly because I see it as an instrument to do something, get somewhere but never as an end in itself, something which demands attention and provokes thought - not simply a reaction. There are a few things which make me think of my body, and none of them are insights, doubts, creative, exploratory or questioning in nature. They don't linger in my head for too long because they are reactions. Once they are suitably addressed, they don't raise their heads again until the time comes. There's physical pain, sexual urges, temperature differences and hunger. The most I can extend this physical self-awareness is to fatigue, feeling fresh, urges for nicotine, alcohol or particular kinds of foods/drinks, the awareness of being watched and extreme fear and anger. Another level could be added for addiction but I can't say this for myself - yet. (or maybe, I'm not aware of them)
Comparing this to how sensitive I am to my thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, judgments of people and their own of me or others - and how creative, curious, skeptical, judgmental, saddened, overjoyed, inspired, discouraged, enraged (and a universe of other emotions, many of which I'm sure I haven't experienced yet) I am by them - I feel there's been quite a lot of injustice done! Why do I never dream of my body? Why do I not engage with it as exhaustively as I do with my mind? Why is thinking as an activity restricted only to my brain? Why does society sometimes consider it girly, superficial or 'gay' if some people take extra efforts to take care of their bodies?
Whenever I have been attuned with my body, it's given me a lot of peace. Whether it's breaking out into a run, dancing or walking in the rain. (once I can get over my laziness and go for a shower, I don't want to get out!) I think what's best is having a feeling of fulfillment and release, like a high. I think people who run or exercise often know how this feels, but we've all experienced it, one time or another in our lives. I guess that's why the fascination with hallucinogenic drugs - it's another medium to experience being one with mind and body.
What happens when I menstruate, is that there's a conversation with my body for around five days straight. And since I overlook my body a lot, these days are like getting to know myself all over again. There's a slight pain, very different from any other pain, which makes itself experienced a day before they begin, and that's when I feel my body says, so hey, let's catch up tomorrow. You free right? I could think, it's not like I have a choice, or I could think, when was the last time I was so aware of my body? Let's talk! Taking the latter perspective helps not simply because it means lesser conflicts but also because you get to know so much about yourself, even as a person.
Once, my college friends and I had a long discussion about menstruation and how we felt about it. I realised my physical condition during, before or after my period matters tremendously in being able to be positive about it. I guess I'm lucky that I don't undergo deep pain and discomfort during this time. It's relatively trouble-free and mostly an enjoyable experience. I don't think I could be this carefree if I had to miss going out and stay indoors with a hot water bottle, guzzling fluids and pills to keep sane. I know friends who have to do this and it's no wonder they feel Nature has dealt with women unfairly. But I also feel it has a lot to do with our culture, because that plays an unarguably enormous part in influencing the way we approach anything.
There is an entire culture of negativity around menstruation which is another unfortunate result of living in a patriarchal society. Why 'sanitary' napkins? The whole idea of menstruating being seen as something very unclean is manifested in the fear instilled in girls and women about needing to keep the whole process as quiet and unobvious as possible. Why do we freak out so much about being caught with a 'stain' - can't it be treated with the same equanimity as a coffee stain? I'm not saying, "parade your menstrual stain with pride!" I'm saying, it's okay. Like people have coffee, women menstruate. Anybody can spill, right?
I also feel the way girls are brought up and educated has played a huge part in the way boys and men also approach menstruation. It was made such an embarrassing thing in school - you're in eighth class, a normal class is going on and suddenly, all the girls are told to make a line and walk off to the hall. Oh, it's that again. The biggest irony is that despite all the efforts taken to exclude boys, (we knew that) they knew what it was about anyway. All that this exclusivity did was reinforce the idea that menstruation and anything related was a girl thing, too embarrassing and taboo to be discussed with guys. What fart, really. Would it have hurt to take boys along as well, treat it like another lesson in biology? No, it would have made it natural, a part of a possible conversation with other men and women and a way to better understand sexuality. When we're in eighth, we're anyway looking for ways to talk with the opposite sex. Introducing menstruation to both sexes would have given us lots of food for thought to chew over with each other.
Treating menstruation so oppressively has had other offshoots as well. Female masturbation, for instance. (oh gosh, that needs another whole entry!) With this entry, I'm trying to make an effort to break free of my own inhibitions about menstruation. If you have any and want to break free of them too, let's talk about them now. It could be anything other than inhibitions too: questions, rants, sarcastic quips (though if you know me, do not expect me to get them), observations, reservations, beliefs, anything. Let's have a conversation!
Menstruating for me has always been in an intense but interesting time. I feel happy, very alive and constantly in tune with what I'm physically feeling. Many times, I take my body for granted mostly because I see it as an instrument to do something, get somewhere but never as an end in itself, something which demands attention and provokes thought - not simply a reaction. There are a few things which make me think of my body, and none of them are insights, doubts, creative, exploratory or questioning in nature. They don't linger in my head for too long because they are reactions. Once they are suitably addressed, they don't raise their heads again until the time comes. There's physical pain, sexual urges, temperature differences and hunger. The most I can extend this physical self-awareness is to fatigue, feeling fresh, urges for nicotine, alcohol or particular kinds of foods/drinks, the awareness of being watched and extreme fear and anger. Another level could be added for addiction but I can't say this for myself - yet. (or maybe, I'm not aware of them)
Comparing this to how sensitive I am to my thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, judgments of people and their own of me or others - and how creative, curious, skeptical, judgmental, saddened, overjoyed, inspired, discouraged, enraged (and a universe of other emotions, many of which I'm sure I haven't experienced yet) I am by them - I feel there's been quite a lot of injustice done! Why do I never dream of my body? Why do I not engage with it as exhaustively as I do with my mind? Why is thinking as an activity restricted only to my brain? Why does society sometimes consider it girly, superficial or 'gay' if some people take extra efforts to take care of their bodies?
Whenever I have been attuned with my body, it's given me a lot of peace. Whether it's breaking out into a run, dancing or walking in the rain. (once I can get over my laziness and go for a shower, I don't want to get out!) I think what's best is having a feeling of fulfillment and release, like a high. I think people who run or exercise often know how this feels, but we've all experienced it, one time or another in our lives. I guess that's why the fascination with hallucinogenic drugs - it's another medium to experience being one with mind and body.
What happens when I menstruate, is that there's a conversation with my body for around five days straight. And since I overlook my body a lot, these days are like getting to know myself all over again. There's a slight pain, very different from any other pain, which makes itself experienced a day before they begin, and that's when I feel my body says, so hey, let's catch up tomorrow. You free right? I could think, it's not like I have a choice, or I could think, when was the last time I was so aware of my body? Let's talk! Taking the latter perspective helps not simply because it means lesser conflicts but also because you get to know so much about yourself, even as a person.
Once, my college friends and I had a long discussion about menstruation and how we felt about it. I realised my physical condition during, before or after my period matters tremendously in being able to be positive about it. I guess I'm lucky that I don't undergo deep pain and discomfort during this time. It's relatively trouble-free and mostly an enjoyable experience. I don't think I could be this carefree if I had to miss going out and stay indoors with a hot water bottle, guzzling fluids and pills to keep sane. I know friends who have to do this and it's no wonder they feel Nature has dealt with women unfairly. But I also feel it has a lot to do with our culture, because that plays an unarguably enormous part in influencing the way we approach anything.
There is an entire culture of negativity around menstruation which is another unfortunate result of living in a patriarchal society. Why 'sanitary' napkins? The whole idea of menstruating being seen as something very unclean is manifested in the fear instilled in girls and women about needing to keep the whole process as quiet and unobvious as possible. Why do we freak out so much about being caught with a 'stain' - can't it be treated with the same equanimity as a coffee stain? I'm not saying, "parade your menstrual stain with pride!" I'm saying, it's okay. Like people have coffee, women menstruate. Anybody can spill, right?
I also feel the way girls are brought up and educated has played a huge part in the way boys and men also approach menstruation. It was made such an embarrassing thing in school - you're in eighth class, a normal class is going on and suddenly, all the girls are told to make a line and walk off to the hall. Oh, it's that again. The biggest irony is that despite all the efforts taken to exclude boys, (we knew that) they knew what it was about anyway. All that this exclusivity did was reinforce the idea that menstruation and anything related was a girl thing, too embarrassing and taboo to be discussed with guys. What fart, really. Would it have hurt to take boys along as well, treat it like another lesson in biology? No, it would have made it natural, a part of a possible conversation with other men and women and a way to better understand sexuality. When we're in eighth, we're anyway looking for ways to talk with the opposite sex. Introducing menstruation to both sexes would have given us lots of food for thought to chew over with each other.
Treating menstruation so oppressively has had other offshoots as well. Female masturbation, for instance. (oh gosh, that needs another whole entry!) With this entry, I'm trying to make an effort to break free of my own inhibitions about menstruation. If you have any and want to break free of them too, let's talk about them now. It could be anything other than inhibitions too: questions, rants, sarcastic quips (though if you know me, do not expect me to get them), observations, reservations, beliefs, anything. Let's have a conversation!
I did a post on menstruation on my Tumblr a month or so ago -- did you see it? I think you may have. It was a reblog with some comments. Let me know if you want the link.
ReplyDeleteThis post couldn't have been better timed. I just realized that it's not a Big Deal at all in this country -- especially with the boys, or at least, close friends. I realized this only when I had sex during my period, and strangely enough, it was I who was making excuses like "Um, we'll do it only if you're not repulsed." He was perfectly fine with it. And guess what? It was fantastic, even better than usual. My body felt so vibrant, and so colourful. I loved it, and I awoke in the morning thinking that I loved my body so much. This has never happened to me before.
I did read that post, although I felt it was one of those funny with a dark subtext posts, I was a bit uncomfortable with how the original writer had generalised male attitudes to menstruation, if they were the ones menstruating. It was insightful though, and honestly funny. :)
ReplyDeleteI'll say - such an open attitude is rare here, even for women (and thus, I feel, for men). And the sex is fantastic then. :)
I feel shy, for the lack of a better word, to say anything for the fear of sounding stupid. Yes, I'm a product of the same culture and hence I've rarely, if ever, had conversations about menstruation. Commenting is a far cry.
ReplyDeleteThis post was so open and honest in dealing with it; it is a rare thing not just in the case of menstruation but in dealing with any issue. You wrote with such verve I had no doubt this was a bathroom conversation (they have a way of being unexpectedly clear and powerful).
But most importantly, this is an enjoyable, easy read. It isn't loaded with pseudo-feminist spin (I've seen a lot of that). It just is.
I think I should end with a 'Thank you', but if that's too stupid then 'Happy New Year!'
Happy New Year to you too! First male comment, I'm proud of you!
ReplyDeleteTalking about menstruation made me feel queasy too, I had no idea how this would received. Menstruation has always, strictly, been a girl thing. Blogging about it meant migrating forever because whoops! it's out there now. I think I can imagine how it feels to come out of the closet now. If there's nobody supporting you, you can deeply regret being honest. So thank you, and Peach too.
I can understand your fear of sounding stupid. You were amazing to be honest about it! It's a definite start. And there was nothing stupid in your comments, so you're most welcome. :) Women can talk about menstruation with authority because, well, they menstruate. But with men, specially in a culture like ours it can be quite a blind spot. So I'm doubly glad you commented here. If there's anything else you want to share, please do, I'd love to hear anything.
Writing with labels in mind can be tiresome, mostly because after writing in my journal I think I've realised that I can't ever fully understand what a label encompasses in its meaning, so it's better to write without using them at all. Of course, this is going to be a huge challenge, mostly because I think in labels about almost everything. They were, after all, meant to simplify thinking. But it can be tiresome, your head spouts a label then wants to instantly take it back.
I did try to keep this as uncluttered as possible because I wanted to start a conversation with as many people as possible. I'm pleased you recognised it though. :D
Maybe, when you feel a bit braver, you could talk with/ask your Mom/girlfriend/women friends - with whichever woman you most feel comfortable with - about their menstruation experiences. It'll be enlightening for both, I assure you. :)
@ Bubbles:
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know, and that was addresses in the comments :) The thing with Tumblr is that a reblogged post doesn't stand on its own if there are comments with the reblog, and responses to those comments -- so I hope you read the whole thing, there were some very interesting responses to it :)
@ AD:
I second Vini -- proud of you for a) venturing to comment at all and b) being honest about it.
Also, my tummy doesn't hurt anymore! It hasn't hurt once since I got here! (both tummy and abdomen, actually).
ReplyDeleteI guess it's the climate? or the fact that I get much more exercise here, with all the walking and dramatic exercises and warmups? Or that I haven't had a single tablet? Kya pata.
Mereko yeh essay nahi likhna. mereko cereal khaana hai.
Thanks, Vini and Sharanya.
ReplyDeleteWell, there are a few experiences that in retrospect seem important:
1. I once asked a senior male member of my family what sanitary napkins meant. We were watching TV together and I was always intrigued by faceless hands pouring vial after vial of clear blue liquid on some super absorbent material while a voice-over sings praises of it. I didn't get the point of it. So, anyway, I asked him what the absorbent material was and he said, "I don't know." From the tone, I knew not to ask anyone again. Ever.
2. Boarding school was a time when I was often bitter. All the students had compulsory jogging in the morning and some girls would break formation, step out and just walk off the field. The physical trainers didn't say a word as the girls went back to the dorms while they flogged guys who fell behind. It left me fuming, the apparent injustice of it. This was in 8th grade and we knew "something" was up (ch.23: Human Reproduction, bio textbooks; we all read it the moment we got the books. It was disappointingly bland).
But it never said anything about cramps, pains and 'girl' problems. It just spoke about it in removed abstractions, terms like: 'the ovum is ejected', 'the lining deteriorates', 'the unwanted fluids are expelled'. I can now imagine (some) girls going: "No, fucktards, it is fucking painful! I effing BLEED."
Anyway, I came to know of the human side to it much, much later.
My tummy hurts. And I feel tired. And I have to spend too much time in the bathroom. And clean the stains.
ReplyDeleteAll this when I'm one of the privileged few who can afford to take pain killers, a day or two off, a clean bathroom, and have numerous cleaning agents and underwear.
I find the system(for the lack of a better word) faulty because its not fair to those who don't have these basic amenties.
Its something I feel very very strongly about-providing sanitary napkins to those who can't afford them/don't have access to them.
Also, try changing pads in stinking, soiled loos on Indian highways/in Indian railways. Ugh.
@Sharan, I don't want to write my essays either. Also, did the sheet stain when you had sex during your period? That'll probably be the only thing holding me back-washing stains. Must convince the boy.
The first time I realised what menstruation was all about, it sickened me. Blood, and so much of it every month. I couldn't look at a female without feeling a sense of pity or revulsion (yes yes, I was very stupid back then. Also, I was barely 12) In fact, I'd almost started believing in God then (how else would you explain the unfair deal given out to women?) A few years later, a female friend started telling me about PMS. The know-it-all that I was, I couldn't admit that I didn't know what PMS meant. I automatically assumed that we were having a discussion on Pre-marital Sex and how that cramped her up or resulted in mood swings for her. You can imagine how embarrassing it was when the truth came out. :)
ReplyDeleteOur society makes boys out to be unfeeling, macho characters who would never understand such details. It's not so you know. I wish our teachers had been more open about it in school. Because it was such a trumped up secret, our guy group wasted precious hours of its life debating what it was all about, where we could've spent these hours on something else, had we been given credible information at the outset.:D
@ Sonu:
ReplyDeleteNo, we didn't stain the sheets, surprisingly! I was so nervous about that the whole time, but it was ridiculously clean :-/ He put another sheet just in case but as it turns out, we've never needed it!
And I completely agree with you, Sonu -- I can't IMAGINE what it must be like for people who can't even afford these napkins. If you can have condom vending machines, you can surely have one for napkins, right?
Sonu, I'm so glad you wrote here because I was thinking of you often while writing this. The bit about sanitary napkins, again I feel it has a lot to do with culture and being used to doing things a certain way. It's a bit like the weather, people who live in rainy places get used to the rain. And they have different ways of dealing with the rain too. While many women may use sanitary napkins, I feel that there are many cultures where women (and maybe men?) deal with the flow, 'stains' differently. Barring exceptions and menopausal/pre-menarche women, every woman menstruates so every culture must have a way of approaching this. There are some unimaginably inhuman 'approaches' as well, but I'm not speaking of them here.
ReplyDeleteMaybe women from different cultures don't need sanitary napkins, maybe they have better, lighter, simpler ways that we don't know of. What I also mean to say is that I don't feel sanitary napkins is the best way to help women during this time. We're simply used to it. Remember how queasy we were using tampons? Heck, even the thought made me squirm. But in the larger picture, to me it looks like a better system (and there may be even better ones) - to borrow your expression :) - than using SNs.
This said, if I did come across cultures where women were having a difficult time managing themselves while menstruating, I wouldn't hesitate before handing them SNs.
Agree with the Indian Railways'/highways bit completely. The bad sanitation makes it an agonising experience for everyone.
And yes, I agree with Sharan - no stains! Could be different for different women but the whole experience is definitely worth a try. :)
Peach, I think it has a lot to do with all three, plus your sexual experiences during that time. Cheers to no pain! :)
ReplyDelete1. Hahah oh god, I remember this experience with a relative. We were cleaning the loft and I thought it was a good time to ask her what condoms were for. She mumbled something so incoherently that I had to ask her again! Of course, that wasn't such a good idea because this time, something fell on me. :D
Your description of the adverts was so funny! Their preposterousness is only increasing. Did you see the one in which an SN dries up the water near a waterfall? :||
2. Oooh yes, we did take advantage a lot. :D We felt we deserved it only because we saw it as an injustice, so exploiting loopholes was our way of getting back. At whom and why, I realised only much later. :) But yes, I do feel bad for you. You should try inventing some loopholes for your sex - though I feel living in a patriarchal society is quite the loophole, no? :)
The biological, abstract terms are bang on. They do inspire a feeling of detachment which is probably fine if you need to learn about dissection, but not about human beings. Isn't sex similarly described? "Secondary sexual characteristics in men and women" oh boy, how language can be used to completely be the death of something so intriguing.
As you mentioned, it's "fucking painful" for some, but not for everybody. (Speaking for myself)I think if you would ask a woman how she feels, she would feel glad that you had the grace, concern and curiosity to ask, so her reaction wouldn't be so dramatic. Maybe she was menstruating and denied sex? :D
PS: How did you find out the human side of it?
^^ I forgot to add 'Ajinkya, ...' before beginning with the bullets but you got it.
ReplyDeleteHhahahaha oh man, that PMS incident was so funny! Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't know what PMS was myself, till a very few years ago. I was watching a TV programme about it and the alternative expansion to the acronym hit me only then.
I don't regard it as unfair now, so being a possible atheist has made its case stronger? :P The whole thing isn't as Tarantino as some may think, but the flow is different for different women, it depends on a lot of factors. All in all, I take the generous view that I'm sure it's something nature thought we could handle. But in some women, and in some cultures, it would be better off to be a man instead, forget menstruating.
Yeah, weren't our teachers silly about it? And yes, wasn't there immense amounts of curiosity? Now that you know everything, I'm curious to know what your guy group came up with. :D
We had a long long debate on whether it was blood or some other fluid that the body ejected. Both sides fielded such passionately logical arguments...And even after our side lost to fact, we just weren't ready to admit that we'd been wrong. Man... :D We were so stupid back then :D:D
ReplyDeleteAnd then there was that time when eight year old me used to think that sanitary napkins were for adults with urinary incontinence. I think I'd said it out loud in front of one of my aunts. You should've seen the varying degrees of blushing redness in that room :D
I wish i could feel that way.. i Absolutely HATE it.. I dont know why but... maybe cause it has been there for as long as i can remember..
ReplyDeleteMaybe examining your reasons for hating it could help. I feel a large part of it is psychological and taught, but this is someone who doesn't experience severe cramps, vomiting, nausea, aches or exhaustion during her periods, and those are all undeniably mood-killers. Though, it wouldn't hurt to think about menstruation without the negative connotations it has been given.
ReplyDelete@ DEAD:
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to hate it. It really, really is. The ones who can live with it decently -- like me, or Vini -- are privileged like that. It's a feminist myth that you have to love every single thing about your body.
People hate their period for a lot of reasons. For one thing, not every woman who gets a period "feels" like a woman -- the genderfluidity of our bodies is completely forgotten when we consider something like a period. You could have a woman who IDs as male and HAS to, unfortunately, have a period because ze might not be successful in stopping it. For another, you might have someone who is affected much more than the usual cramps and aches, or maybe an allergic/phobic reaction to blood itself. They will hate it too.
So really, to hate your period is okay. It isn't an inherent part of your body or sexuality -- it's just something that may or may not accompany the sexual organ. It doesn't mean a THING unless you want it to.
a) What the fuck kind of a topic is this to blog about, firstly?
ReplyDeleteb) The world doesn't need to know you're having sex while chumming. Please stop glorifying menstruation. It's like glorifying breathing - IT HAPPENS TO ALL WOMEN.
c) Who are you people? Have you not heard of more personal forums, since it sounds like you guys know each other? Like, um, an INBOX?
Anonyhmm,
ReplyDeletea) I don't know how to answer that question, because it doesn't seem like you're looking for one. :) Actually, this is a pretty tame topic. People have blogged about far more uncomfortable things. The thing with blogs is that they haven't been as tangibly canonised as literature or music have been. The open, DIY nature of the internet allows for easier insubordination of heirarchies. Also, it depends on what you're looking for. If you look for "what the fuck kind" of topics, you'll get them. :)
b) I can understand your embarrassment. I wasn't 100% comfortable while writing about it. I felt a little awkward the moment I pressed 'Publish'.
But once it was 'published', I felt free. It was Out There now. People were going to talk about It. Before this, the only people I have ever freely spoken or discussed menstruation with were women I was close to, that too in the privacy of our homes, telephones, inboxes or little lunch-time groups.
Somewhere down this lane, my curious little head wanted to know 1. what guys thought, 2. what the women with whom I hadn't had a chance to discuss menstruation with thought, and 3. how would readers react if menstruation was discussed openly.
The sex-during-chumming thing, again, I understand your embarrassment. But honestly, try it some time. :D
Your second comment makes me grateful to all the men who have taken the brave step of openly writing about their thoughts on menstruation. Really, women can be quite clannish about menstruation. :D Not that we always want to; there are many reasons behind this behaviour.
But it is formidable territory for men and women indeed. Why? Because there's been no dialogue at all. And isn't that one of the major reasons why misunderstandings, assumptions and hatred develop?
I also feel grateful to every person who has silently thought about menstruation while reading this post. Seen or unseen, they all make a difference. :)
It may seem somewhere that I have glorified menstruation. But honestly, life is beautiful to me when I'm chumming. :) If you read previous comments, you'll see that not all women agree with me. That's how it is; menstruation affects different women differently. Just like grief, sexual arousal or a lottery win might affect different people differently.
I feel menstruation needs to be talked about. The silence surrounding it isn't serene or introspective, it is out of shame, embarrassment and in many cases, fear and patriarchy-induced cruelties on menstruating women. Ask your grandmother for examples. Some of these debilitating practises are thankfully stories of the past. Some still exist.
Somewhere in my post, I also make an appeal to not be embarrassed about menstruation. For instance, let's try to treat period stains with the usual detachment we treat coffee stains with. You'd agree with me there that I'm making a case against a particular kind of glorification. :)
Continued -
ReplyDeleteb)Not all women menstruate. Some don't start till they're in their late twenties or thirties. Some stop as early as that.
Also, gender binaries are slowly disintegrating. What would you say to a transsexual woman, who is biologically female but identifies himself as a man? For him, menstruation may not at all mean what it means to me or my women friends who menstruate. Menstruation may be a physical process, but it has sociological, psychological, sexual implications for those who experience it. Have I crossed your eyes enough? :D
c) Who are "you people"? :)
I feel so thrilled to have broken some self-imposed barriers (borne of menstruation-related embarrassment and hesitation) by publicly writing about menstruation. :) Really, it feels great. Barring some commentators, we more or less know/have heard of each other here, you're right.
Frankly speaking, writing an email about this would have been boring. Blogging about it was terrifying and thrilling at the same time because its reach is much more. This blog also acts like an archive for me. I feel glad knowing that this post is something I can come back to. I am terribly forgetful, and this is a way of me ensuring that I'll be getting a memory-pension long after the sun has set. :)
PS: Think about breathing, too. It makes for great de-stressing and allows your thoughts to flow freely too. :)
This has to be my longest reply here in a long time! :D